Creating a thriving marriage in this culture is nothing short of miraculous because we are in a time in which traditional marriage is threatened and diminishing in importance in the eyes of many young people.
Choosing to marry a person of the opposite gender, to have children and to remain faithful to your spouse were all aspects of a traditional marriage that were assumed just a generation or two ago. This is not so today. Therefore, to create such a marriage requires couples to stay close to those who value what they value and choose what they choose.
To create a thriving marriage in the culture we currently face requires us to develop the desire for these fundamentals. We must decide to get married in the first place and not live together beforehand, which means maintaining separate households until the wedding. That also means taking the premarital classes and retreats offered by our Church and understanding, the best we can, what is asked of us in a Catholic marriage.
A thriving marriage also means that we want the best for our spouse, and we look for the best in them. We support each other and stamp out any negative thoughts immediately, knowing they are little seeds of doubt and dislike that can threaten the happiness of our union. These negative thoughts may appear to be normal and of little consequence. However, when a forest fire begins, it is often the little, smoldering spark that ignites and burns down the timber. Do not allow any negative thought to go unanswered.
A thriving marriage is also built on goodwill toward our spouse. No matter what, always assume the best. If something is said that appears hurtful or disrespectful, let it sit and do not respond immediately. Instead, look for what could be behind a comment and know it likely had nothing to do with you, but with a stressor in our spouse’s life. It is possible frustration led to a comment or action that came our way. When we assume bad will, we often assume the worst and nothing good is built on those feelings and assumptions.
A thriving marriage is also built on shared faith. Go to Mass together and stand together. Offer the sign of peace to each other, and if there is any strife between you, let it melt and wash away. If you want to, hold hands and give each other small gestures of love. Pray together. Watch Christian movies together. Remember why you fell in love and tell each other of your love.
ACTION STRATEGIES
- Stamp out any negativity in your marriage the second you notice a spark in thought, word, or deed. Do not allow it to go unaddressed.
- See your spouse the way God sees him or her: with eyes of love. Tell them that with your actions and words.
A thriving marriage is built on commitment. Do not let any social media or internet sites come between you. So many temptations come from these outlets and can bring discord to a marriage that was not present a mere two generations ago. It is difficult to imagine life without the input and intrusion on our lives from these sites and the negative influence they can infuse into our marriages. We must be vigilant and not allow any intrusion from this negativity to impact our marriage in a harmful way.
A thriving marriage contributes to a healthy, thriving society. If each one of us in a traditional marriage was to value our union with our spouse, and communicate that to everyone who sees us, we could change society. If we each made that our goal for the summer months ahead, through loving our spouse the way God loves him or her, we could make an enormous impact on the way we view our own marriage and the way others view a commitment to marriage. Young people must witness healthy marriages to know they are possible because so many have been impacted by divorce. Be the marriage that others can point to and say,“I want that.”
Soucheray is a licensed marriage and family therapist emeritus and a member of St. Ambrose in Woodbury.
