Some people might read this column’s headline and think it is self-indulgent and not appropriate for the month of love. However, self-love must be present before we can love others. The greatest impediment to self-love is shame. The late John Bradshaw, counselor and motivational speaker, explains “the feeling of shame has a demonic potential to encompass our whole personality … a person can come to believe that his (or her) whole self is fundamentally flawed and defective.”
Additionally, Brené Brown, research professor and author, states that shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging —something we’ve experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
In both definitions, Bradshaw and Brown explain that shame causes us to believe we are unworthy of authentic connection with others. How can we possibly love others if we fundamentally believe we are unworthy of love, due to some deeply-held belief that no one could love us as we are? This is certainly not a message from Jesus, who stated that we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Self-love is a prerequisite to loving others.
To open ourselves to love and overcome a feeling of shame, we must begin by recognizing this self-defeating belief when it arises. Shame feels like we have done something wrong, or disappointed someone, and we have no way to fix this supposed wrongdoing or disappointment. The result is that we believe we cannot love ourselves because there is something so terrible about what we did or did not do that we believe we do not deserve love.
ACTION PLAN
- Take an assessment: Is shame affecting your life? If it is a debilitating factor for you, look for ways to counteract the negative impact of this self-crushing belief.
- If you find that shame has affected your life, make this the year you tackle the lie this feeling can perpetuate. Stand up to shame.
With shame, the word “should” resonates in our psyche so thoroughly that it feels impossible to crawl out from under this feeling. And it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The reality created by this self-definition then becomes our worldview, or the way we view ourselves in the world, which is how we see ourselves and believe others see us, too.
Shame is a terrible thing and has no redeeming value. There is no positive outcome to a feeling of shame, only a defeat of our personality. We must be alert to the times we shame ourselves, or when others shame us, and do all we can to resist the temptation to live in a “should,” or shame world, no matter how much we think we deserve to feel that way.
To stand up to the messages of shame, we must engage in a fundamental change in our attitude and approach to ourselves and others. We must be aware of when we allow shame to dominate our feelings and our belief system. We must recognize the feelings of worthlessness that arise that tell us we have failed as a human being in some way. Unfortunately, when we feel a sense of shame, we are often tempted to self-medicate to alleviate the pain created. This can take the form of dependence on alcohol or drugs, negative internet use, or being with people who make us feel terrible about ourselves, thereby corroborating our negative self-concept.
When we recognize the ugliness of shame and the self-defeating thoughts and actions that result from it, we know it is time to do something about this negative view we hold of ourselves. We can begin by praying and asking God to help us see ourselves in a new and accurate light. We can journal or talk in a small faith group about this common thief that robs us of happiness and peace. We can also seek a counselor who will help us see shame for what it is, find ways to counteract these lies and move toward self-love and self-acceptance.
Soucheray is a licensed marriage and family therapist emeritus and a member of St. Ambrose in Woodbury. Learn more at her website, ifhwb.com.
