The grace that God bestows on a bride and groom on the day of their marriage is not a one-day gigantic salvo of sacramental grace given once and only on their wedding day. Rather, it is a grace that God renews and resupplies each day for the rest of their married lives. The secret to success is to cooperate with God’s grace. And the way to cooperate is for a couple to take steps to strengthen their love and commitment to each other.
A plan for spiritual growth is vital if a couple wishes to advance in grace, and there are a number of key components. It is important for the couple to pray by themselves, together and at church; receive the sacraments regularly, especially the Eucharist and reconciliation; have other couples who believe in the value of marriage as their friends; be open to the gift of life and gladly welcome children; be service oriented and help each other, their children, family, friends and others; and be committed to quality time together each day.
Healthy couples take time to converse every day, and not just for a minute or two. It could be over a cup of coffee in the morning, a glass of wine before dinner, a walk outside or a drive in the car. Daily dialogue is one of the most important ways to express love for one’s spouse, and it strengthens the bond of marriage.
In addition to daily time together, a couple should arrange for weekly time together, like a date night, and monthly time together, like a day or weekend getaway, and yearly time together, like a vacation escape. Once a couple has children, one of the best ways to invest in one’s marriage is to budget for a babysitter, so they have opportunities to focus on each other.
There will be bumps along the road, and it is important to pay attention to them right away. When one spouse feels hurt and is angry, St. Paul wisely advises, “Do not let the sun set on your anger” (Eph 4:26). It is best to speak to one’s spouse before the end of the day, to be open and honest, gentle and patient, responsible and compassionate.
The wife and husband are two unique people, and different people have differences. Conflict is inevitable. It is impractical to think that every difference can be completely resolved. But with mutual love, conflict can be managed. Calm, honest communication and flexibility are key.
If a couple cannot get over a bump on their own, it is wise to get help, and the earlier the better. Just as medical conditions are easier to treat when diagnosed and treated early, so are the snags in a relationship. A couple can turn to another person or couple that they respect, their parents, a pastoral minister at their parish, a deacon or a priest. A couple can also seek the assistance of a professional counselor or therapist, preferably one who is Christian and upholds the Gospel values of marriage and family. Often, especially if addressed early, the program can be as short as a single consultation or a few sessions.
It is advisable for a couple to go on a retreat once a year. It could be informal, like a weekend vacation together, or it could be a formal retreat like a o , a Marriage Encounter or a Retrouvaille weekend.
Married couples can participate in parish marriage enrichment programs such as a Cana Retreat near Valentine’s Day, an adult education program with a guest speaker on the value of marriage and family, small groups comprised of married couples, and ministry as a mentor couple for an engaged couple or a newly married couple.
Marriages do not flourish without effort. The grace God provides must be put to good use.
Father Van Sloun is the director of clergy personnel for the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. This column is part of a series on the sacrament of marriage.
