It is an established fact that a pre-marriage preparation program enhances the probability of a successful marriage. Researchers report it statistically. Counselors and social workers know it empirically. Even the State of Minnesota acknowledges this. Divorces are a burden on the state, and to reduce them a discount is given on the fee for a marriage license for couples that show proof of participation in a pre-marriage program.
Parishes require engaged couples to register well in advance of their actual wedding date to provide adequate time to prepare for the sacrament. The minimum requirement is six months. Some parishes require nine while others require a year.
In the big picture, the amount of time required is minimal. There are meetings with the priest, deacon, or members of the parish staff; one or more workshops; a pre-marriage retreat; a series of classes; and sessions with a mentor couple — to list many of the usual elements. The time required varies from about 20 hours on the low end to 50 hours on the high end.
Engaged couples are busy and sometimes complain about the amount of time required. When they do so, I ask, “What is more important, your marriage or your job?” “What do you plan to do for life, your marriage or your job?” They instinctively snap back, “Our marriage.” Then I probe further, “How much time have you spent preparing for your job?” Some jobs require a training program of weeks or months. Most require a college degree. Others require an advanced degree and an internship. When couples compare the amount of time they have spent preparing for their careers with the amount of time required to prepare for their marriage, and they weigh their relative importance, I have found that the complaining evaporates almost instantly.
The Church insists on the necessity of preparing for the reception of the sacraments so the person will better understand the mysteries of the faith. Preparation is required for the parents of a baby before its baptism or for catechumens before their own baptisms, for parents and child before first reconciliation and first Eucharist, for a candidate before confirmation, and for candidates for holy orders before their ordinations. Marriage is no exception. Only the sacrament of anointing is exempt.
The preparation process begins with a meeting with a priest, deacon, or member of the parish staff. These sessions are used to ascertain the couple’s freedom and readiness for marriage, assemble the required documents, provide catechesis on the Church’s teaching on marriage and family life and prepare for the marriage liturgy.
The list of topics for the marriage preparation curriculum includes the sacramental nature and permanence of marriage; growth in virtue and holiness as individuals and as a couple; personal, shared and liturgical prayer; intimacy, sexuality and chastity; natural family planning; children and family; healthy communication and conflict management; family of origin issues; the tension between relationship, career, work and leisure; finances; and interfaith issues. This instruction usually is provided by a team comprised of clergy, pastoral staff members, mentor couples, catechists, and counselors.
Other requirements include a premarital inventory such as Prepare or FOCCUS and a pre-marriage retreat. When a couple prepares well for their upcoming marriage, they are cooperating with God’s grace and laying a firm foundation for a lifetime covenant of love.
Father Van Sloun is the clergy services director for the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. This column is part of a series on the sacrament of marriage.
