Married couples, not uncommonly, see a counselor or therapist because negativity has developed in the marriage, persistently creating unhappiness for the couple.
This negativity has been named “Negative Sentiment Override” by marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman. When negative feelings seep into the couple’s conversations and interactions — whether spoken or in their thoughts about each other — they are often unable to break this cycle due to the way the brain continues to feed the negativity created by these beliefs. It is not uncommon to see these couples fall into hopelessness and despair over the state of their marriage. They often ask if it is possible to interrupt these negative patterns and begin to love and respect each other again.
First of all, it is important to recognize when negativity arises and acknowledge it, because we cannot change anything that remains elusive. We may be surprised when we realize how quickly and easily the negative sentiment toward our spouses can ignite, as if from the air. And we can blame our brains for that. As human beings, our brain is wired for negativity, because this perspective kept early human beings alive much more than a positive, optimistic approach to life. Those who were skeptical were the ones who survived, creating a gene pool of brain wiring for caution and uncertainty. We must recognize our brains are doing what they are wired to do and name what is happening.
Second, we can take a step back from the situation and see the negativity as an automatic thought that fired in our brains, and we do not wish for this negative thought pattern to continue. We have to be tough with our brains. If we want to change our thoughts, we have to be firm and actively change them. Think of driving a car. We do not get in, turn the key and expect it to put itself in reverse or drive. We have to take that step to put the car in the desired gear for the car to leave the garage, driveway or parking space. The same is true for our brains. They turn on thoughts automatically and we have to take the active step to change a negative state to a positive state, which is not natural for us.
ACTION STRATEGIES
— When negative thought patterns emerge in your thinking toward your spouse, stop and examine what is happening. Make the effort to change negative thoughts to positive thoughts.
— Actively observe your spouse this month and determine if you can name their love language. Do one small gesture to determine if you are correct, and if you are, keep focusing on these new ways of loving your spouse.
Third, we have to actively feed these positive thoughts toward our spouses for them to become more automatic. We can do this by holding their hand when we walk together, giving them a kiss when we reunite after a day apart, or praying for them. It’s the small things that help us create a brain that is wired for positivity and optimism in our marriage.
And finally, we can use words of affirmation, spend quality time with them, offer gifts, do acts of service, or use physical touch. You may recognize these suggestions from “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. The challenge is to learn our spouse’s love language and love them the way they want to be loved, not the way we want to love them. This means we have to pay attention to what our spouses tell us, most often without words, about how they prefer to be loved.
It is challenging to change negative thought patterns to become more positive toward our spouses. Understanding our spouses’ love languages and loving them the way they want to be loved indicates the selflessness of a Catholic marriage. We are loving the other the way they want to be loved, creating a genuine dynamic of seeing the other as God sees them and celebrating their uniqueness and deep desire to be seen, accepted and loved as they are. That is the greatest gift we will ever give our spouses. What an adventure for 2024!
Soucheray is a licensed marriage and family therapist emeritus and a member of St. Ambrose in Woodbury.
