A lovely deacon suggested I pray the daily Ignatian Examen, which I have been doing for about six months. The overwhelming change in my life is the sense of gratitude I have every day. Most days, I feel like I am floating with joy. I wondered what would happen if I adapted this prayer for my marriage.
Here is how I modified this centuries-old prayer. First, I begin by asking myself if I was a loving spouse. I ask if I saw moments when my spouse was struggling, and if I was able to help. Second, I ask myself if I did anything to meet my own needs today because I cannot give what I do not have. If I have neglected taking care of my own needs, I will have less energy and love to offer him.
Third, I ask myself if I disparaged my husband in any way today. Did I think any critical thoughts, that were allowed to go unchecked? If so, did I recognize those thoughts and quickly correct them? We know that all words and actions begin in our thoughts, and this is certainly true in marriage.
Next, I ask myself if I have prayed for my husband’s welfare and well-being. Have I asked God to bless him in areas where he struggles, gratefully thanking God for coming to his aid? Finally, I examine if I have been less than a loving spouse. This is a critical question because we may feel justified in our response, and yet, it is never appropriate in our marriage to hold a grudge or be critical of our spouse. I ask if I have been less than loving toward him, and if I have, I pray and ask the Holy Spirit to renew my spirit and restore my love for him.
In doing this nightly prayer, I take time to walk back through my day and examine moments when I may have been less than loving and I ask for forgiveness and a renewed spirit to love my husband as God wants me to love him.
You see, loving our spouses the way God wants us to love him or her is the central aspect of our vocational promise to them. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church explains “since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man” (CCC, 1604). Likewise, “Gaudium et Spes” of the Second Vatican Council states, “Married love is an eminently human love because it is an affection between the two persons rooted in the will and it embraces the good of the whole person” (49).
Action Strategies
– Take time to offer gratitude to God for your spouse and the gift he or she is to you.
– Take time to pray for your spouse and witness the fruit of your prayer in your interactions.
Without an appreciation for the uniqueness of our spouses, whom we chose at some previous point to spend our life with, it is easy to fall into a dark place in marriage, which affects our daily interactions with our spouses, as well as our sense of peace. Choosing to be in a Catholic Christian marriage requires us to be loving and present, and prepared to forgive our spouses for any infraction, as we hope they will also forgive us.
Psalm 51:12 states, “A clean heart create for me, God; renew within me a steadfast spirit.” This may be an appropriate prayer to God if you have unloving feelings toward your spouse, because the love we have for them begins with the quality of our loving thoughts and a loving heart.
As a wife, I often think of Mary’s love for Joseph as a model for my love for my husband. She loved him and appreciated him as she provided a loving, supportive atmosphere for her family to grow in holiness. She would have embodied my modified examen prayer perfectly.
If it seems that praying my adapted Ignatian Examen for your spouse would be appropriate for you, I can guarantee it is simple to incorporate into the end of the day, even if you’re tired. I can also guarantee that when you do, you will look for opportunities throughout the day that will help you respond affirmatively to each part of the prayer.
Soucheray is a licensed marriage and family therapist emeritus and a member of St. Ambrose in Woodbury.
