The tragic events that unfolded at Annunciation church in Minneapolis Aug. 27, when a shooter opened fire through the church’s stained-glass windows and struck children from the parish school as they celebrated Mass, will have long-lasting effects on the greater Minnesota community for years to come.
Many parents and caregivers are worried about how their children are coping with the shooting, and how best to address questions their children may have now and in the future.
Steve Ruff, a licensed marriage and family therapist who works with children, adolescents and adults, provides psychological counseling for a range of issues. Ruff said that when a traumatic event such as a school or church shooting occurs, there are different ways parents should address the tragedy based on a child’s age.
“Parents should try to meet their children at their developmental or age level,” Ruff said. “For children ages K-3, it’s important to give objective information about what happened, balanced with reassurances that they are now safe, and that the situation is under control,” he said. “It can be good to give information about how the school is secured, and how adults are there to supervise and protect them.”
Ruff said that a child of any age “should have their feelings listened to and validated,” while parents and guardians provide “reassurance around safety.”Middle school-age children may question more about whether they are truly safe, and may need more information about steps that are being taken to ensure their safety, such as school protocols and safety drills, and any increased safeguards that may be put in place after a shooting, such as increased police monitoring near schools.
Children’s reaction to a life-altering experience like a school or church shooting are strongly influenced by how parents, relatives, teachers, and other caregivers respond to the event. They often turn to these adults for information, comfort and help.
One difficult question that a child may pose is “Why did this happen?” “Our faith perspective can be useful here, in saying that we don’t necessarily know, that there can be darkness or bad or sickness in the world, but that the good news is that the light is always much stronger than the darkness,” said Ruff, a member of Basilica of St. Mary in Minneapolis. “Other questions would understandably relate to safety, and here it’s about offering reassurances around safety, and how the school, community and parents are taking steps to keep them safe, as well as the fact that the violence in the situation is over.”
Ruff suggested it’s important for parents and caregivers to spend time talking with their children. Ruff said parents and caregivers can let children know that they are welcome to ask questions and express their concerns and feelings. Parents and caregivers can be sure to remain open to answering new questions and providing helpful information and support.
Ruff said the principles of telling the truth about what happened, providing reassurance about safety now and what’s being done to ensure it, trying to be as emotionally regulated as one can be in order to provide the stability that children need, and allowing and validating emotions are some of the key things that can help children get through a traumatic event.
“We want to meet children where they are at and trust that they will guide the pacing of how they process the event,” Ruff said. “We don’t want to have our own adult anxieties drive the process in trying to ‘fix’ it for our kids. Being there for them, letting them know that if they ever have any questions they can come to you, is important.”
Signs to watch for
There are telltale signs that a child may be struggling with the traumatic event that unfolded. Changes in behavior, appetite and sleep patterns can indicate a child’s level of struggle. Of course, this is also normal to a certain degree after a traumatic event and should ease or pass with reassurance and the passage of time.
It’s important to remember that responses to trauma don’t necessarily happen all at once or in a linear fashion. As the person’s system is ready, it may process different parts of the trauma months or years later. There may be setbacks or triggering that occur along the way, which is normal with regard to healing from trauma.
“However, some children who have had other traumas in life, or (who) struggle with depression, anxiety or other mental health issues, may have a more severe or prolonged reaction to the event,” Ruff said. “Seek the help of a mental health professional if you are concerned about your child.”
In a “Practicing Catholic” episode that debuted Sept. 5 on Relevant Radio 1330 AM, co-hosts Leah Heselton and Father Tom Margevicius spoke with Pat Millea, formation director and co-founder of the Martin Center for Integration, an organization that provides compassionate counseling and guidance to those navigating grief, trauma and other mental health concerns. The Martin Center has locations at St. Helena in Minneapolis and at St. Gabriel in Hopkins
“Everyone’s affected in different levels (by this tragedy). I think any human being can appreciate the sadness and the grief and the anger that comes up in something like this,” Millea said on “Practicing Catholic,” which airs weekly and is produced by Relevant Radio and the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. “But for us Catholics, and especially here in the Twin Cities, it’s a particular violation — the fact that it happened to Catholics, to children at Mass, is one of the utmost forms of offense that we can even conceptualize as Catholics.”
Millea said that in times of tragedy, it is important for parents and children to surrender everything to the Lord; that is the starting point for any struggle by a Catholic. And while miraculous healing — of mind, body and spirit — does happen, the Lord also chooses to work through third-party human resources.
“He chooses to use human disciples to serve his fellow children,” Millea says. “He’s using all kinds of beautiful, natural gifts that he’s given us, beginning with each other, with the community, and the resources that the community has, the resources that the body of Christ shares to bring about the healing that he desires for us.”
As such, some of the therapists at the Martin Center for Integration are spending time with individuals and families associated with Annunciation, supporting them, “providing them with a bit of ‘scaffolding’ to help begin the healing journey,” Millea said.
“There are all kinds of, not necessarily unhealthy, but maybe unproductive responses to trauma and crisis — diving into work just to keep your mind busy and not think about it, as well as disengaging, disassociating, departing, whether physically or emotionally, from the whole situation, and just refusing to engage,” Millea said. “We’re helping people to identify those tendencies and work against them, so that people can make a gradual move in the direction of healing.”
Parents also need to take care of themselves during this time of grief, Ruff said.
“It’s like the analogy of being in a plane crash and first putting the oxygen mask on yourself so that you can then help your child. I’ve been so heartened by the outpouring of support and goodness that we’ve seen in people’s desire to be there for the families of Annunciation, to help support them and lift them up,” Ruff said. “Human connection is so crucial in healing and getting through. As time goes on, the level of immediate support will naturally decline, and so to be mindful that continued need will be important for parents and all involved. And of course, prayer, as an ongoing support for oneself and others, will be important for parents and families of faith.”
In addition to spiritual support from the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis and local parish leaders, parents can find resources through the National Child Traumatic Stress Network at nctsn.org, which offers guides for talking to children after mass violence, and the National Mass Violence Center at nmvvrc.org, which provides information for educators, caregivers, victims and community members.
Editor’s Note: Ruff is the brother of Joe Ruff, editor-in-chief of The Catholic Spirit.
